Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
