I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
