I can tuck mytits in my pants
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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