and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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