What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
