Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
