I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
