hotel room ftw
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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