I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think your dad took our porno
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
