Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
