we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize