literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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