there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
