look no pants
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
