I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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