you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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