I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
