Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
