Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
