the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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