you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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