apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize