Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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