Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize