when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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