I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
