My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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