I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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