Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
