just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
