Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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