I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
