Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
