Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
