i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
