please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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