A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
