"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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