My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
