He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
