you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
