Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
