I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
