I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
