i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You've changed since you got that strap on
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
