I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
