I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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