i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think my moral compass just broke
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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