I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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