I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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