Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
