I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
