I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
