I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
