Someone shit on the floor
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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