I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
