Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you would pick up someone in the library
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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