I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
